Thoughts from a victim of racism

Thoughts, there are so many thoughts.

Currently listening to Relient K’s song “Give,” it speaks of a desire to seek God more and more, which is an attitude we ought to have toward God, where we often times fall short, and how we simply should give everything up for His sake/purpose.  It’s a beautiful song, and I think it’s a good idea to adopt: to “give until there’s nothing else, give my life until it all runs out” for God.

These past few months have been rough, but manageable, solely because of God.

We started looking for a local church, after being here for nearly 3 ½ years, T’s school + work schedule made it difficult to make it to fellowship and serve at church.  I miss community.  We were as involved as we could be, but a local church could really free up a lot of commute time, we’ll be able to part of a local community, I can be more involved and quite frankly feel less alone here in this county.

Last week something really mean happened, I had an encounter with racism.

I’m a nurse, many may have guessed that over the years of casually following my site.  This past Wednesday I was at a clinic to conduct a free diabetes class for my clients, the turnout was wonderful (had a full room!), people were engaged and interested in the topic, I couldn’t have asked for more.  When the class adjourned near noon, I drove to the nearby Vons to grab a soup and salad (so healthy, I know! :P).  After I obtained said food, I started to consume my soup in the car to conserve time, since I was due back in the clinic after lunch.  I was a little surprised that after a few bites my car shook a little bit, and I thought it was an earthquake or something of the sort.  I then looked ahead and saw this elderly couple sitting in their car, having just recently parked.  Then I added two and two in my mind and realized the elderly man hit my car while attempting to park.  I, being my usual self, thought that it would a good thing to do to let them know that it’s okay, because that’s what Jesus did for me, he saw all my inequities and forgave me anyway.  I smiled at the lady, got out of my car, took a look at the bumper to bumper that was touching,  and proceeded with, “hi, I think you hit my car, but it’s okay, I don’t think any damage was done…”  However, she quickly pointed to her husband and tossed the words “talk to him” before aborting the scene; I guess she had some urgent groceries to purchase.  Out came the tall Caucasian man, I repeated myself, with a neutral tone and facial expression, still hoping to impart grace (after all, they just hit my car with me sitting in it), “hi, I think you hit my car because I felt it shake like an earthquake.  I was sitting in my car while you parked…” He interrupted, “no you weren’t, I know that you weren’t there.”  So I had to let him know, “yes, I was there in my car, I know because I was sitting there eating my lunch.  I see that you hit my car, but I wanted to let you know that it’s okay.”  He took out a digital camera, took a look at the bumper, took a picture of me (why????) and said “you can take me to court if you want.”  At then I reiterated, “Sir, I’m letting you know that it’s okay, just be careful.”  He then said this as he was going back into his car to wait for his female companion, “Go back to Japan or where ever you came from.”

That was unreal.  Racism right in front of my face.

I had a lot of mixed emotions, to say the least.  What would Jesus do in this situation? At that point he already got back into his car and already proved himself to be an ignorant person.  I lost my appetite to eat with him right across from me, I drove back to my clinic, but did take down his license plate for my own protection.  He did take my picture for no reason after all.

It took me a little bit of time to process what had happened, and I discussed it with my husband and boss.  The damage incurred to my car is less than $500, so nothing to go with there.  I’m choosing to forgive (ironically Relient K’s song “Forgive and not slow down” came on as I pulled up to the clinic, so I cried to the song and then prayed a bit).  The weird thing is I’m not even Japanese, but what’s truly absurd is that that elderly man is living in Southern California with blinders on.  I know God is just and will give each of us what we deserve.  I’m writing this more to record what happened, and maybe as a public service announcement that Ventura County is not very diverse.  I would think twice before raising children here.  I seriously saw a little child point to my husband and I one time at a burger joint saying, “that’s a Chinese!”  I found it surprising but non-threatening.  This past Wednesday made me feel unwelcomed, unsafe and hurt.  Why would anyone treat kindness and grace with racial epithets? I couldn't believe I live in the 21st century, let alone California.

Done for now.  More to come later (maybe).

sadness

Today my grandpa went back to Taiwan.

I remember I used to fight back tears in prior years when it would come time for me to wave goodbye to him at the airport.  Today was the first time I didn't have this immense urge of fighting back tears, but my heart was heavy nonetheless.  I think as I'm getting older I cry less and less, it doesn't mean I see less sad events or experience less dramatic occasions, but slowly I've had to compartmentalize my feelings a little bit.  I don't cry for my patients anymore, that was so long ago when I did that.

Just because I don't express it doesn't mean I don't feel it.  It is more suppressed and I show it in a more subtle way.  I cannot imagine how life would be without my grandparents, but death is inevitable.  As the saying goes, there are only two things in life you can't avoid, death and taxes, I know my latter years of life will be confronted with quite a few sad events.

That doesn't give me the right to not live life to the fullest though.  Even though I do not welcome sadness and pain, I don't think I disallow myself to experience the full gamut of emotion out of fear of losing control.  I still love, I still laugh without reservation, knowing on the flip side I will one day face pain and sadness.  But such is life, no?

I'm not depressed, just a little sad tonight.  I'm glad I took nearly a week off to hang out with him.  I wonder how many more years I can spend with him.  Today while reading my church's publication I found out that a deacon I cared about deeply died of stomach cancer last month.  I will always remember deacon Andrew Chu's smiling face as he would greet me every Sunday morning.  He was such a funny and giving man. 

Thankful for the breath of life God has given to me today, I hope to not waste tomorrow's.

long overdue entry

I suppose instead of trying to recapture all I've been going through with this medium, it's best to simply dive straight into where it is I am here and now.  God has been good to me, I sit here in my livingroom, amazed at His guidance.

A few months away my husband and I were able to acquire a house with the help of God.  We knew it was God because we have been looking for possibly a year, we wrote so many offers that we've lost count.  We currently live in an amazing starter home as this is the only place that has accepted our offer.  I spend every other day on my new hobby: gardening.  Who knew I had a dab of domestic tendency in me? :P I can't stand the look of wilting flowers hoarding the nutrients of the new buds, so I would usually pick up a pair of scissors (the special kind for gardening- what's it called again? hm) and my gloves and proceed to chop away.  There's something therapeutic about cutting down branches that are not producing any "fruit."  It drives home the Biblical principle of the necessity to bear fruit for God, or else risk being cut off like a useless branch because it has no purpose.  After I prune my rose bushes and other plants I notice an increase in growth.  It's strange how trimming it down actually encourages growth... something else to be pondered.  I feel closer to God when I am in my yard.  Sure, I'm disgusted with the numerous spiders hiding in the center of my roses, the dead snail shells (better than live ones, that's for certain), and the army of ants that seem to follow me everywhere, but I feel like I'm doing that is beneficial to my plants who are unable to prune themselves. 

Anyway, too much thoughts devoted to plants, not enough on God. 

Work-wise it's going well.  I think I enjoy what it is I'm doing.  I actually think case managing is something I am good at.  For quite awhile the struggle has been finding something that I enjoy versus something I'm good at.  Perhaps in case managing I've find that intersection- who knew? Well, obviously God had an integral part in orchestrating everything.  A few months ago, with the grace of God I passed a fairly difficult exam and became a board certified nurse case manager! Woohoo! Praise be to Him! I seriously prayed more during the two days leading up to the exam than what I normally pray during a month (quite shameful to mention, really). 

Like any job in today's economy, there's no shield from the word of "reorganization."  Next January will come as a time of uncertainly.  It's okay because I know Who holds tomorrow.  Even if I make it through the cut, the program I work for is scheduled to end on 8/31/10, so my inevitable fate is...? I cannot wait for God to unveil the future to me in due time.  I'm not curious at all.  I've always been pretty good at waiting for surprises, it's a good trait I suppose. :)  Some may even interpret it as being patient!

I have so much to say, but cannot say it all tonight.  It is late after all.  Good night, and sweet dreams.

beauty in the mundane

Nothing profound, just need to write.  What else is new?
Grandma is washing the dishes, husband is off to work, I am...?

It's going to be a beautiful day!

nostalgia

Been cleaning the apartment lately, getting ready to move and all.  It's amazing how much stuff I've acquired over the short two years I've stayed here.  Mostly I find myself sorting through paper, old credit card statements, and policy and procedures from my former department.  I can't belief that I had trouble parting with some of the policies just a few months ago, but now I am completely okay with tossing it.  It's therapeutic, I guess.

Tomorrow is Easter.  I was baptized 14 years ago on Easter, if I remember correctly.  God has been over-abundantly good to me, though I deserved it least.  While I was at the Good Friday service yesterday I kept on thinking to myself how I have placed Christ there on the cross, how my sinfulness has caused His grief, and how I have fallen short in my continuous journey to follow Him. 

Will need to devote more time to ponder those thoughts.  As for now, I've got to get back to packing.