sadness

Today my grandpa went back to Taiwan.

I remember I used to fight back tears in prior years when it would come time for me to wave goodbye to him at the airport.  Today was the first time I didn't have this immense urge of fighting back tears, but my heart was heavy nonetheless.  I think as I'm getting older I cry less and less, it doesn't mean I see less sad events or experience less dramatic occasions, but slowly I've had to compartmentalize my feelings a little bit.  I don't cry for my patients anymore, that was so long ago when I did that.

Just because I don't express it doesn't mean I don't feel it.  It is more suppressed and I show it in a more subtle way.  I cannot imagine how life would be without my grandparents, but death is inevitable.  As the saying goes, there are only two things in life you can't avoid, death and taxes, I know my latter years of life will be confronted with quite a few sad events.

That doesn't give me the right to not live life to the fullest though.  Even though I do not welcome sadness and pain, I don't think I disallow myself to experience the full gamut of emotion out of fear of losing control.  I still love, I still laugh without reservation, knowing on the flip side I will one day face pain and sadness.  But such is life, no?

I'm not depressed, just a little sad tonight.  I'm glad I took nearly a week off to hang out with him.  I wonder how many more years I can spend with him.  Today while reading my church's publication I found out that a deacon I cared about deeply died of stomach cancer last month.  I will always remember deacon Andrew Chu's smiling face as he would greet me every Sunday morning.  He was such a funny and giving man. 

Thankful for the breath of life God has given to me today, I hope to not waste tomorrow's.

long overdue entry

I suppose instead of trying to recapture all I've been going through with this medium, it's best to simply dive straight into where it is I am here and now.  God has been good to me, I sit here in my livingroom, amazed at His guidance.

A few months away my husband and I were able to acquire a house with the help of God.  We knew it was God because we have been looking for possibly a year, we wrote so many offers that we've lost count.  We currently live in an amazing starter home as this is the only place that has accepted our offer.  I spend every other day on my new hobby: gardening.  Who knew I had a dab of domestic tendency in me? :P I can't stand the look of wilting flowers hoarding the nutrients of the new buds, so I would usually pick up a pair of scissors (the special kind for gardening- what's it called again? hm) and my gloves and proceed to chop away.  There's something therapeutic about cutting down branches that are not producing any "fruit."  It drives home the Biblical principle of the necessity to bear fruit for God, or else risk being cut off like a useless branch because it has no purpose.  After I prune my rose bushes and other plants I notice an increase in growth.  It's strange how trimming it down actually encourages growth... something else to be pondered.  I feel closer to God when I am in my yard.  Sure, I'm disgusted with the numerous spiders hiding in the center of my roses, the dead snail shells (better than live ones, that's for certain), and the army of ants that seem to follow me everywhere, but I feel like I'm doing that is beneficial to my plants who are unable to prune themselves. 

Anyway, too much thoughts devoted to plants, not enough on God. 

Work-wise it's going well.  I think I enjoy what it is I'm doing.  I actually think case managing is something I am good at.  For quite awhile the struggle has been finding something that I enjoy versus something I'm good at.  Perhaps in case managing I've find that intersection- who knew? Well, obviously God had an integral part in orchestrating everything.  A few months ago, with the grace of God I passed a fairly difficult exam and became a board certified nurse case manager! Woohoo! Praise be to Him! I seriously prayed more during the two days leading up to the exam than what I normally pray during a month (quite shameful to mention, really). 

Like any job in today's economy, there's no shield from the word of "reorganization."  Next January will come as a time of uncertainly.  It's okay because I know Who holds tomorrow.  Even if I make it through the cut, the program I work for is scheduled to end on 8/31/10, so my inevitable fate is...? I cannot wait for God to unveil the future to me in due time.  I'm not curious at all.  I've always been pretty good at waiting for surprises, it's a good trait I suppose. :)  Some may even interpret it as being patient!

I have so much to say, but cannot say it all tonight.  It is late after all.  Good night, and sweet dreams.

beauty in the mundane

Nothing profound, just need to write.  What else is new?
Grandma is washing the dishes, husband is off to work, I am...?

It's going to be a beautiful day!

nostalgia

Been cleaning the apartment lately, getting ready to move and all.  It's amazing how much stuff I've acquired over the short two years I've stayed here.  Mostly I find myself sorting through paper, old credit card statements, and policy and procedures from my former department.  I can't belief that I had trouble parting with some of the policies just a few months ago, but now I am completely okay with tossing it.  It's therapeutic, I guess.

Tomorrow is Easter.  I was baptized 14 years ago on Easter, if I remember correctly.  God has been over-abundantly good to me, though I deserved it least.  While I was at the Good Friday service yesterday I kept on thinking to myself how I have placed Christ there on the cross, how my sinfulness has caused His grief, and how I have fallen short in my continuous journey to follow Him. 

Will need to devote more time to ponder those thoughts.  As for now, I've got to get back to packing.

yeah I know...

Every so often I get the urge to post on Xanga, maybe less so because I’ve given into the darkness known as FB.  I really didn’t want to join it, it wasn’t until I was at my 10 year high school reunion where my friend (a sweet mother of 3) told me that it “doesn’t take much time!” and “it’s a great way of keeping in touch!”  I suppose she was right, but I do miss writing things longer than simple one-liners.

I’ve been journaling a bit more, which is definitely a good thing.  Just spent some time reading through subscriptions and realizing that most people have struggles like me: wishing to write more but still end up falling off the face of xanga, at least temporarily.  I suppose there’s something enticing about instant feedback that everyone loves. 

I have a bit of updating, just to remind myself of what’s been happening lately:

T and I are officially homeowners as of yesterday! Escrow closed and we are now proud owners of a 3/2 SFR, come visit us if you’re willing to drive hours and hours to Newbury Park! :P

I passed my nursing case management certification from the American Nurses Credentialing Center 2 weeks ago! No more studying for now, and boy was the exam rough.

Been working at a new department for 7 months already, the transfer was a promotion.  More money for the house plus it was a good move for my sanity.  Now that work is picking up again, I need to devise a plan to approach my boss for a viable solution (aside from dumping all the work on me, which has happened somewhat already).

Went on a lovely cruise with T to the Caribbean! We also went to Disney World! Had a wonderful time with pics to prove it. J T has told me that he would like to retire in Florida due to the easy access to all these amazing cruises.  We went on a Mexican Riviera cruise last year, and that was loads of fun too.  We are inching toward his goal of becoming a seasoned cruiser!

Attended the Senior Recital of my beautiful friend Sakurada, got to listen to the wonderful music she composed and arranged, plus caught up with several friends like Sa & Jaz, yan4fun & her hubby, and the lovely Claire (who helped me move into my UCLA appt long LONG ago!).  Loved every second of the recital.  The beaming look on Sakurada’s parents’ face said it all, we all were so proud of her!

Will need to jump start into packing galore! Nuff said.

Bro & wife have returned to SoCal to be closer to family.  Grandma is pleased. 

***

The day is slipping by! I’d better stop writing and start getting ready for the weekend! I’m going to meet up with an old friend from my days working at the medical center tonight! I’m excited to see S- the last time I saw her was at my wedding!

Oh yeah, the most important update of all….

2 year wedding anniversary is on Tuesday!!! Woohoo for love! :P